The first thing I did after being diagnosed with OCD was to buy myself a book on OCD, so I could read and learn more about this disorder, because I didn’t have a clue what it was all about. At this stage I was under the impression that OCD was only temporary and that I would be fine in a few weeks time. It was a big shock then to read in the OCD book that OCD is not temporary and that I had and will have it from childhood through the rest of my life. This was disturbing news for me, and I was feeling very depressed. I surely could not go on living the rest of my life with the way I had felt the last three months. I was really under the impression that I would only need to take some medicine for a short time and then I would be fine again. To find out that I would have OCD for the rest of my life and that I would have to take medicine for it for the rest of my life was just too much for me.

I was thinking, “I can’t live like this forever, and I don’t want to live with this disorder forever.”  Just a few hours before, when the psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD, I was somehow calm and was feeling much better because I was under the impression that the medicine he prescribed would make me well in no time and that I would be able to go on with my life as I used to do, but now I was feeling terrible and very afraid.
 
After reading some more, I felt that my whole life up to this point was opened with the book. It was like they were writing about me, from my childhood up to now. This made me feel better again because the psychiatrist was spot on with his diagnoses. The thought of other people have the same unwanted thoughts and obsessions as me was giving me some relief, and I realized that I was not alone and that other people are also suffering with this disorder.

Obviously my family and friends wanted to know what OCD is, and because I was still in the early stages of learning more about the disorder myself, I would always use the easy example about the man that locks his car and then comes back to check it because he wasn’t sure if the car was locked. In the back of my mind I knew it was much more difficult than that, but I wasn’t ready to tell them about the serious stuff because I was afraid that they would think I was crazy.

There is no easy way to explain OCD, but when somebody is asking you what OCD is, you try to explain to them in the easiest way that you can. A lot of people will tell you that they also double check if their cars or houses are locked, and it is true that a large number of people do have mild obsessions, but it doesn’t interfere with their lives like OCD.

After the psychiatrist had diagnosed me with OCD that morning, and I had read a little bit about the disorder, I was under the impression that I would be able to manage my obsessive thoughts better, but that wasn’t the case. I still endured panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behaviors. To know that I had OCD didn’t make it easier on my obsessions. I was very depressed and the hope that I had that morning when I was seeing the psychiatrist was fading away again. I wanted OCD to go away forever, so I could go on with my life as I used to, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I would have OCD for the rest of my life, and that I must learn to accept it.