I am a Christian and have big issues with right and wrong. I have a lot of obsessive compulsive actions regarding my religion, for example: When I get into my car to drive I need to do quite a few compulsive rituals before I can start the car. I need to pray in a certain way, and I need to do it more than once. The prayer is as follows: “Jesus please help me to drive safely so that I don’t get any serious injuries. Please hold my hand. Thank you Jesus. Amen.” I say this prayer silently over and over again in my mind until it sounds just right, and only then can I start the car. I am obsessed with the thought that if I don’t say this prayer something bad will happen like an accident, and I will be responsible for someone’s death.

When I am reading my Bible and saying my prayers in the morning, I also need to do them in a certain way, otherwise I am obsessed with the thought that something bad will happen. I say the same prayer every morning. I pray for all of my friends and family, for their safety and wellbeing. I need to mention every person’s name starting with my youngest brother and ending with the oldest family member. I am obsessed with the thought that if I don’t pray in this specific way something bad is going to happen to my family, so it is very important for me not to leave out any names.

When I am driving past a church and I am smoking I must put the cigarette in the ashtray and say a certain prayer a certain number of times until it feels just right. The words of that prayer are as follows: “Jesus please forgive my sins.” This I will say over and over again. I believe that the church is a holy place and if I am smoking while I am driving past something bad will happen to me.

One time when I was in church I had the feeling that I couldn’t breathe and that I was going to pass out. After that I became obsessed with the thought, “What if I stop breathing and die?” When I went to church after that, I always sat next to the exit door to be sure that if I got that feeling again I could leave the church. But that wasn’t enough for me, so while I still went to church I never went inside. I would stand outside the church and try to listen to the service. Obviously it was strange to a lot of people, but that didn’t worry me because I was outside and could breath. I don’t think that obsession had anything to do with religion but rather with the obsessive thought, “What if I stop breathing?”

I became so obsessed with that thought that I needed to control my breathing. Normally you breathe without thinking, but I was “testing” my brain. I would breathe in and then tell my brain to breathe out, and then I would tell my brain to stop breathing altogether (because I wanted to check my brain’s response). I would stop breathing for several seconds while worrying, “What if my brain stops telling me when to breathe? I will surely die.”

I also have a lot of intrusive thoughts when I am in church or when I am thinking about Jesus. It is like my mind is looking for the worst thought possible, and I can’t stop it. The harder I try to stop the intrusive thought, the stronger the thought becomes. After I have these types of thoughts, I am disappointed in myself and become obsessed with the idea that I am a bad person. I will give some examples of unwanted, intrusive thoughts later in my book.